Day 5 of Treatment

So yesterday was horrendous and left me exhausted, especially with the lack of sleep.  Predominately it was pain in every part from the waist down, particularly in my knees.  I could barely walk.  I couldn't be comfortable lying down, so I couldn't take a nap.  I took 4000 mg of ibrofen throughout the day and I don't dare imagine how incapacitated I would have been without it.  I think I would have had to go to the hospital.  Honestly.

Today, in comparison, was not as horrifyingly painful, but it was rough nonetheless.  I took a walk in the morning, and then was pathetic for the rest of the day.  I feel exhausted.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck.  I feel like the pain will never end.  I feel like I am completely alone, despite the support of friends and family.  Unless someone can cure me and make all this nasty shit go away tomorrow, there is nothing anyone can do to help.  There is nothing I can do to help.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  I feel like my body is a prison.  

I cried a lot today.  I guess you could call it a pity party.  I guess you could call it being unable to cope.  I guess you could say that after only 5 days I have reached a point where I don't see how I can manage this anymore; where the lack of a light at the end of the tunnel is consuming my every thought.  I watched Under Our Skin again to see if there was something I missed, anything.  What I saw was the same stuff I have been obsessing over reading online.  What I saw was a bunch of people like me in a whole lot of pain, feeling angry and betrayed, and sad about losing their lives to this disease.  And I cried.  

I feel that I am grappling really hard to come to peace with all this.  I don't know that someone can.  In all honesty, I kind of hoped that when I started treatment I wouldn't have any Herxheimer reactions and I wouldn't have lyme disease after all.  I fear the possibility that this is forever; that I can never go back.  That what I have lost is gone for good, and that who I am now is the limit of my future potential, physically, intellectually, and otherwise.  I am totally beside myself.